Tripping Down Memory Lane

Wedding Dreams

2005-02-11T07:26:00.000-08:00

The girl was not happy to be going to a babysitter. She'd been to weddings before and absolutely loved them. She loved the flowers, the dresses, but most of all she loved the music and the food afterwards. At weddings the girl always feasted. For some reason though, the mommy and the daddy thought it better to leave her and the three sisters with a sitter. It seemed this sitter was a relative somehow... but the girl didn't really understand the connection, and the same woman would be watching a lot of the other children from people attending the wedding.

When they arrived at the babysitters house there were two things that stood out to the girl first, it was very clean in addition to being really old, and secondly there were a lot of toys there. The girl and her sisters had a lot of toys between them, but these were really neat toys, puzzles and colorful pictures, see-n-says, tops... all of the toys that the mommy said were "head-ache makers".

The three sisters immediately found other little girls their ages to play with and the girl was left standing alone for a moment... watching a little angrily as the mommy and daddy went to the wedding that she wished she was going to too. The only child her own age there was a little boy, with dull brown hair and deep brown eyes. He introduced himself, and the girl was a little surprised to find out he as the sitter's son... he lived in this nice old house. The boy was a bit shy, but the girl knew how to deal with that. The shy boys were the nice boys. They didn't tease or call her names, or think girls were gross. So they began to play together and eventually the girl had an idea... since her parents were off to a wedding, she wanted to pretend to be getting married. She was delighted when the boy thought it was a fun idea too.

So they had their wedding... stopping to take time outs to establish the boundaries for the pretend game... adapting them as they went along. And after the wedding they got under the kitchen table, pretending it was their car that had the words "Just Married" written on it, and they pretended to be driving away to their honeymoon. The boy's mother peeked under at them and asked what they were doing.

"We just got married!" the girl replied enthusiastically.

"And we're going on our honeymoon!" The boy said finishing the explanation. "This is our car."

The sitter smiled merrily, a little smile creeping onto her lips. "Well you just do that then. Let me know when you get to your honeymoon then."

"We will," the boy and girl replied in unison, then looked at each other and giggled.

The girl was sad when the wedding was over and the parents came to pick her and her sisters up. The daddy looked grumpy, and the mommy looked tired and a bit frighened. The girl didn't care though... she would think about her mock wedding for a few days to come... and it was a safe happy place to be.

The Eternal Struggle

2005-02-01T19:28:00.000-08:00

*I originally started writing this on One To The Nth Power but decided it fit better over here.*

So, here we are another day, another post. I find it surprising that I've actually kept up with this blog every day for quite some time now, sometimes posting more than one post a day. I was going to leave today simply with my list below, but that ingrained need to write is drawing me to compose something a little more meaningful.

The fact of the matter is though... I hardly know what I want to talk about. The last couple of days have been filled with tremendous struggle for me. Yesterday was my biological father's birthday... normally a day that passes much like any other, with only a slight amoung of regret. This year it was filled with mourning. Again and again I grieve the loss of the father this man could have been, but chose not to be. In the first two years that I lived with him, he was every bit the father a little girl could want. I remember that. I cherish that. But there is also a vast part of me that wants to push it away because I know how the story ended, and I do not want to accept any part of him... good or bad. Obviously, though this is my urge... it's impossible to do, as a few of my own strengths were ones that I gained from him. Rejecting the people who sired you, on some basic level is a form of self rejection... and it's one that I constantly struggle with. It is hard to seperate behaviors and actions from the person themselves. I feel as if I spend most of my life running away from the shadows of these two people that some say I act like in certain ways, or speak like, or look like. I become irritated, even angry, tinking to myself, "I am nothing like either of those monsters, and I refuse to be!" And in my rush to get away from standing in the shadow of one, I find the shadow of the other looming over me.

It did not help that it seemed everywhere I traversed in the blogosphere posts about fathers and daughters, the importance of said relationship, and the effects of a lack of such a relationship seemed to be the general tone. What is it about this time of year that brings all of that up? Why is it at this point in the year, or even just this specific time women all over the place seem to be assessing their paternal relationships or lack thereof?

My adoptive mom refrences Star Wars... You know, the scene in the swamp where Luke is fighting Darth Vader, and finally kills him, but when the mask falls away it is his own face he is confronted with. I myself prefer the story of the two dogs. A black and a white dog fighting... the one who wins will be the one you feed. I feel as if I keep feeding and feeding the white dog, but the world around me is racing to feed the black dog twice as much.

I wonder sometimes if I have not set about in my life trying to set right the wrongs of my parents. It is a question worth considering. If that is the case then I am going about life all wrong. On the other hand I would like to believe I am trying very hard to break away from identifying with either of them at all... striking out on my own and blazing my own trails in life so to speak. But comparison to them seems inescapable, not just by other but by myself as well. I am constantly second guessing myself. "Am I being like this person because I am reacting in this way?" I find myself wondering sometimes if my biological mother felt as overwhelmed as I do soemtimes, and perhaps not knowing what else to do sought refuge away from us children. i wonder if she went through Post partum depression, or if perhaps hormones from pregnancy made her manic depression worse, then add in that she wouldn't stay on her medication regularly. I have to remind myself that regardless of all of these things, there is simply no way to excuse her actions, and that by trying to sympathize with her, I risk becoming like her. Those thoughts are quickly cut short, and it is territory I dare not venture into.

So on continues the struggle to give my own children a better life, with a mother that cares for them, loves them ,and takes the time to interact with them. it is my determination to make sure they have one man as their father, a man who would never harm them, but who is there for them, and loves them. Perhaps i am setting about putting right the wrongs of my parents in some ways. As I've sworn over and over not to become them, but this is not my sole intention in this great endeavor of life. I want these things because I honestly love my children, and as i watch them grow, I see myself in so many ways... some of how I used to be, and some of how I could have been. It is an exquisite mixture of overwhelming joy and devestating regret.

Saving Lives

2005-01-31T14:53:00.000-08:00

The girl was fourteen now, just starting high school. She liked it so far, most of her teachers were good, and she had this sense of freedom now. All of the hurtful insults that her peers used to throw at her no longer seemed to hurt as much. She had made friends with several other students, many of them older than her and where she was still only getting to know them she was optimistic that these were the type of people that valued a good friend as much sa she did. Somehow that small tightly knit group that she suddenly found herself a part of, that she belonged to, made everyone else's oppinnions about her meaningless.

Junior High had been sheer hell, and she would never go back to that place ever. It would take being bound and gagged to be taken back to that box of a prison. Much had happened since she started school this year, in addition to making new friends. Her adoptive mother and her father were getting a divorce. It had not been difficult to tell. They'd been at odds with each other for years, and it seemed the only glue that held the woman that the girl had always known as the princess, was the girl. now the girl knew her as the Rock, because she was the only constant in her life, the only one who would protect her like a tigress, and never intentionally hurt her. Sometimes her words and criticisms hurt. Sometimes the Rck just didn't understand but assumed she did, but the girl knew that in the heart of the Rock, she only wanted the girl to be all that she could.

The girl knew a divorce was coming. She knew it for a fact coming home one night after staying for an Art Club meeting after school with a friend that had recently moved to the little town in the mountains that the girl lived in. She went to dinner at Pizza Hut with the friend and her mother, and another mutual friend of the girl's parents. The girl had fun, and really enjoyed the freedom that it seemed came with the transition into high school.

When she arrived home tension hung heavy in the air. The Dad sat in his recliner around the corner of the stair well, fercely punching buttons on the remote for the VCR, and glaring at the tv screen. The girl gave a cheery hello, but then practically wilted when all he did was glare at her. So the girl put her back pack and coat down on the stairs to seek out the Rock.

The rock was back in her office absorbed in the computer screen, and tapping grimly on the keyboard of the old Commodore that they had bought at a very pretty penny before moving to Wyoming. The girl was not allowed to touch the computer without express permission, and then only to do homework. The girl said hello to the rock, and received a warm but strained greeting. The girl's heart sunk. She just knew, though she didn't have the guts to say so. So instead she related the fun of Art Club, the prospective fund raisers and the trips they were trying to take, and then related the dinner at Pizza Hut. By the time she was done telling she felt a little more at home again, got a hug and then got ready for bed. The next day the girl told another friend of hers that had also recently moved to the town that she was certain a divorce was coming up. The friend tried to asure her that she was mistaken, that these things were a long time in coming, and the girl replied that it had already been.

Not long after that the girl asked the Rock if they were planning a divorce. The Rock seemed a little surprised that she asked. "Well," she said, "I had agreed to let your father tell you, but since you're asking, I'm not going to lie to you. Yes we are filing for a divorce. You are doing so well in your counseling and seem to be on the ball with school this year, it seemed a good idea not to wait until you're 18 as we originally had planned. Don't worry though. We want this to be a happy thing. We plan on having joint custody. Certain days will be scheduled for you to be with your dad and some with me, but overall it will be a pretty open ended deal. That way if you have activities after school you can just stay with your dad if you don't have a ride up the mountain." She seemed to be reassuring the girl, and the girl really hoped she was right... that this would be a good thing. She was a bit nervous about being alone with the Dad in his own house without the prospect of having the Rock available to help if necessary, but it had been a while since he had touched her, and she thought perhaps he just wouldn't anymore.

Soon it got towards quarter time at school. As part of the NJROTC the girl had been fundraising for a trip they were planning on taking to San Fransisco. She was looking forward to it. It was the first out of state field trip she had ever gone on, and it was rumored the school had alloted one of the nice buses... the one's that they used for the sports teams to take on the trip. It was also an opportunity for her to hook up with her grandparents and see them. It seemed things were set. The dad would be starting a job out of town on an oil rig, the Rock was going to an ABA meeting out of town, and the girl would be on her way to San Fransisco. When she returned the Rck would be back and the Dad would be getting his own place in town established.

The girl enjoyed the field trip. She was awed by the independance of being with other teens her age, and pretty much given free reign to go where she pleased around the area, so long as she stayed with her group. She was able to tour the U.S.S. Nimitz as part of the trip... something she would always remember. She never thought in her life she would stand on the deck of an Aircraft Carrier, much less physically see the inside of one. many of the nights were spent on Pier 39 and Fisherman's Warf with the members of her pier group. It was a place she had only visited during the daylight hours with her grandparents. It seemed the place transformed when the sun went down. She enjoyed a tour of the bay on one of the charter boats, and stood in awe as they passed under the mighty Golden Gate bridge. She had seen it when crossing the bay bridge before, but she never remembered crossing it, and being under it was an overwhelming feeling. They went to Seaworld on a rainy day, and as all of them had come from a snowy icy environment, no one had thought of bringing raincoats. The girl laughed at ll of her peers complaining about the cold rain, but the girl secretly loved it. While she was there she developed a crush on a boy that she would never truly forget. However the girl never met up with her grandparents. She wanted to, but she was in strife about the divorce. She knew they didn't know about it, and though her grandparents were the type of people that probably would have the fortitude not to ask questions, she was afraid she wouldn't be able to keep from spilling the beans all by her lonesome. She made half hearted attempts at phone calls to try and get together with her grandmother at Sea World, but was secretly glad when the answering machine picked up. When she did speak to them she really had no way of directing them to the dorm on the military base they were staying at, and she had no way of giving them a phone number to call. Neither did she make any efforts to find out. The truth was she was afraid of seeing them, and enjoying her new found autonomy.

On the trip home they stopped in Elko, Nevada, and the girl called her home to leave a message for the Rock. She felt a chill rush through her when the Dad's stormy voice answered on the other end of the line. She received a lengthy dressing down for not meeting up with her grandparents, and she returned to her room to have a good cry.

She arrived home the next night to be grilled by the Dad and the Rock as to why she had been so discourteous to her grandparents, and then was made to call them up and apologize. She did so and received another dressing down from her grandmother, and dealing with the simple statement, "I'm very disappointed," from her grandfather... the one man it seemed who had never hurt her. That hurt more than anything, hearing the disappointment in her grandpa's voice, the man who smelled of pipe tobbacco and had a soothing rumbly voice.

She went to bed tired and worn from the trip, still thinking about the boy she had a crush on, feeling guilty for hurting her granparents, feeling as if her eyes had been opened to what it was like to be an adult, and afraid that there would be repercussions to come.

The next day it was back to school. All of the students that had been on the trip were still talking about it, and the girl obsessively thought of her crush the whole day long, taking turns down hallways she knew he would be in. The Rock said she had to work late tonight. It seemed new situations had arisen without the girl really knowing about them. There was some issue about the Rock's luggage being lost. She was talking on the phone with an old friend that had moved in for a job and moved out that fall some time back, and the Dad was getting agitated, though the girl didn't understand why. All the girl understood was that their relationship was ending, and it seemed the Dad was fighting it hard, though she couldn't figure out why. Most of the time both of them seemed to hate each other, and that was clear to most people who knew them.

The girl came home from school to find the dad sulking in the back room. She said hi to him, and he shot off a smart response back. "What's wrong?" she asked.

"I don't have anyone to talk to," he replied testily.

"What about Sally?" the girl asked, knowing that he had been talking a little with the woman down the road who was in the middle of a fairly nasty divorce herself.

"I can't trust her," he said. He glowered at the girl, his long brown hair falling across his eyes, and his laugh lines creased making him look ominous.

The girl faltered not really sure what she should say. Obviously she was a kid of fourteen and really didn't understand what was happening between the Rock and the Dad. She certainly didn't want to be drug in the middle of it as a confidante. The Rock was not perfect she knew, but she couldn't sit there and listen to the Dad talk bad about her. She didn't want to take sides. It wasn't her place to take sides, but it seemed that the Dad constantly wanted her to do just that. "I'm going to go do my chores now," the girl stammered while back-pedaling out of the doorway.

He waved her off with an irritated gesture. The girl quickly ran upstairs and changed out of her school clothes, then made her run outside to haul in firewood. She made severl trips to fill up the rack by the old pot belly stove, then hung her coat back up by the door. The girl entered the kitchen to start working on dishes, when she spotted the calico kitten the Rock had recently adopted. The girl couldn't help but stop and dangle a string for the kitten, watching her quick little paws bat at it, an her tiny little claws wrap around it.

"That's not doing your chores, is it?" The dad said from the doorway.

The girl jumped startled. "Sorry," she said. "She's just so cute I couldn't help it. You have to admit she's cute."

"No I don't," the dad growled. "It's just another mouth to feed. Might as well just break it's neck."

The girl stared at him apalled for a moment. "No," she said. "She doesn't eat that much."

The dad stormed off back in the living room and the girl got ready to do her dishes. Suddenly his voice floated from the living room. "If I gave you a gun would you pull the trigger?"

The girl stopped in shock, positive that she must have mis-heard him. She dried her hands off and went into the living room. "What?!" she asked not believing her ears.

"If I gave you the gun would you pull the trigger?" the girl had many thoughts flash through her mind in a fraction of a moment that stretched into eternity. The first thought that came to her mind was of the things he had done to her, but then how he had stopped and she still genuinely loved him and could forgive him for it. The next thoughts to cross her mind were frighteningly cold and calculating.

She thought to herself, "As soon as I pull the trigger, the next thing I would have to do would be to pick up the phone, call the police, be arrested and explain everything, possibly spend my life in prison." In that fraction of a moment she decided she would not ruin her own life and give him the easy way out. Instead of responding she ran up the stairs to what little refuge she had... her bedroom. She began crying out of fear, confusion, anger, guilt for even contemplating the prospect of patricide... and many emotions she had no definition for.

She heard the front door downstairs open, and she silently prayed that he was leaving, that he would go up to one of the two bars and talk to one of his friends up there. She heard a gun go off, and her blood ran cold. She stopped and listened for a few minutes, not wanting to believe that he could have killed himself. The next thing she feared was that the police would blame her when she placed the call, because her prints were bound to be on the weapon from where she had been taught to handle it. She'd never fired either the rifle or the shotgun they kept for hunting but she had moved them once or twice. She ran downstairs and out the front door half afraid of what she might find, and half disbelieving that what she feared could be true.

As she exited the doorway she say the Dad, standing with the 12 guage pointed in the air, and a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. "What the fuck is your problem?" he asked her.

She simply ran back upstairs, and sobbed that much harder. She was relieved that he hadn't done it, and angry that he had made her so afraid that he had. In a few moments he came back in the house. She listened intently following his path with her ears as he made his way back to the back room, she could only assume to replace the rifle on the gun rack. He then made his way up the stairs as she listened. She moved from off of her bed and sat in front of her door, knowing that trying to kep him out would be futile, but she had to try. He turned on his stereo, playing the song "Time For Me To Fly" by REO Speedwagon, and singing with it at the top of his lungs, then saying "Fuck yeah, it's time for me to get the fuck out of here!"

He turned the stereo off and knocked on her door. Knowing that he wouldn't go away, and in all probability would push his way in if necessary, she stood up and opened her door. "Why won't you talk to me?" he asked as she opened her powder blue door.

She couldn't think of an answer and offered some half-hearted thing that she didn't really register in her mind. "Come downstairs and finish the dishes." He commanded her, and she wasn't about to cross him.

She entered the kitchen, followed by him, where he continued to aske her questions. "Did you know we're getting a divorce? Did she tell you that?" He asked irate.

"No the girl," said meekly, turning her eyes down, not wanting to let him know that she did indeed know. "Did you know that the Rock has been talking to Old Friend for a while on the phone now? Do you know she went to Grand Junction not her meeting this last week? That's why the airline lost her luggage?" The girl was shocked and didn't think it was possible.

She responded by saying that she thought it might not be, that maybe the Rock had been talking to Old Friend because she didn't feel like she had anyone else to talk to.

"I found a pregnancy test," he said. "I think she wants to have Old Friend's baby. She certainly doesn't want to have mine."

"I don't think so," the girl responded half heartedly. She honestly believed that he must be wrong. "I know she's said she wants to have a baby, but I don't think she's chosen anyone for that yet."

"I think she has. I think she was in Grand Junction to be with Old Friend, and because my new job didn't start right away I caught her."

The girl wondered what it mattered if they were dissolving the relationship. He knew it was ending between them, and it seemed at least even if she was planning a get together with Old Friend as the girl very much doubted, she wondered why it mattered. She didn't say anything, but was startled back to reality as he started head butting the cupboard directly over the sink. The girl was truly frightened, feeling that she was in a dangerous place and not knowing how to get out of it.

"Why won't you talk to me?!" he shouted over and over again as he hit his head on the cupboard several times. Finally a nail gave way in one corner and the bottom shelf fell out, dropping plates out into the sink, some of them breaking. The girl stood and stared, frozen with fear. The next moment happened so quickly.
He rushed at her arm extended, and his hand curved in a claw, coming straight for her throat. Simple self preservation kicked in and she side stepped. His hand caught her shoulder instead and knocked her clean off her feet. She felt the air being pushed out of her lungs as she landed on her back.

"You are going to talk to me," he said. "I'll make you. Get your ass on the couch now."

As soon as he released her the girl got to her feet and practically ran for the couch sobbing. He sat in his recliner and began ranting at her, telling her how much he had done, and that it had never been appreciated. He told her that he thought the Rock had been cheating on him, and that he had so many opportunities in the past to sleep with other women but had never taken them. he told her how he could have gone back to California and sold drugs, then comen back and flash hundred dollar bills in her and the Rock's faces and buy them anything they wanted, but that he was trying to live an honest life, but no one appreciated it and he was just a failure at it. He angrily said through clenched teeth, "I've probably fucked up your life too." The girl sat and listened. She had a hard time reconciling the fact that her Dad did marijuana to begin with, and was being drug to NA meetings by the Rock, but it wa even harder to think of him as a drug dealer, something she'd always been taught was wrong and that she better never think of doing either one, dealing or doing. The tirade continued. finally he wound down and made mention that she still wasn't talking to him.

She tried to explain to him that she hardly knew what to say, that she was just a kid and that she didn't want to take sides... but it seemed to her that in his mind if you weren't for him you were against him... there was no nuetral territory. Several minutes later the Rock walked in the door, and the girl gave her a look that said it all, terror, and relief. The girl felt gratitude to the rock for finally being there after a very late night at work.

The girl jumped up and anounced that she was going to take a shower and go to bed, as it was way passed time for her to be in bed. The Rock nodded and the girl made her get away and fast. As she cowered in the shower, longing to stay in there longer than the ten minutes she was normally alloted, she heard the Rock yelling. "She's just a kid! If you have issues with me, deal with me, but leave her out of it." The girl closed her eyes trying not to listen, but somewhat relieved that the Rock was standing up for her.

The girl, though dreading leaving the safety of the bathroom, quickly dressed made her quick good nights from the stair well and got up to her room as quickly as she could, praying for the night to be over, praying that she would not be awake tonight listening to them argue.

She heard the sound of the Rock coming up the stairs... a somewhat laborious task for the woman as she had fairly short legs, and the way they'd been built left them steep and spaced far apart. She knocked on the door and the girl invited her in, hoping not to catch hell for her room being a bit of a mess.

The Rock gave the messy room a passing frown and sat down on the bed next to her asking what had happened. The girl said that the Dad had been upset about not really having anyone to talk to, and that he thought he couldn't trust Sally, but she left the part about the gun, his thoughts about dealing drugs, or her suspected infidelity, and his attack out... afraid of the fight it might provoke that night.

The Rock comforted her and relayed that she had told him it was inappropriate to drag the girl into the middle of their problems. The girl thanked her and gave her a hug. Then the Rock went back downstairs, and the girl tried to ignore their angry but hushed voices talking. She soon fell asleep. The next day she tried to concentrate on her friends and her new crush, trying heavily to avoid thinking about the home situation.

When she arrived home that night things seemed calmer. She went about her chores and got them done, did her homework, ate dinner, showered and went to bed. She was rudely awakened later, hearing the Rock and the Dad arguing again. he was accusing her of cheating on him with Old Friend, playing some tape of a phone conversation, and she was yelling at him about them getting divorced and that he was supposed to be moved out already.

The next thing the girl heard she didn't want to believe. she heard signs of things getting physical and the Rock started calling the girls name. She heard the dad speaking in a muffled, but threatening tone and then it started up again. The girl tried to ignore it, hoping it would stop, not wanting to believe it could actually be happening. She had never thought the Dad capable of attacking the Rock as he was.

The Rock called her name again and something in her snapped. She flew up out of the bed, flung her door open and rushed down the stais throwing her large bathrobe on and bellowing at the top of her voice, "LEAVE HER THE HELL ALONE!" The girl stopped half way down the stairs surprised at what had come out of her mouth. She had been shocked at the authority in the tone of her voice, and half expected to be chewed out for using the word hell. The Dad looked up at her surprised. The girl shrank back against the wall behind her.

"Go get help," the Rock said, but the girl stood frozen.

"She cheated on me," the Dad started saying. "I've got a taped conversation. She's talking to Old Friend and their talking about while she was down in Grand Junction. The airline called and said grand junction when they were talking about her luggage."

"Go get help, " the Rock said again.

"Shut the fuck up," the Dad said. He sort of jumped down on top of her, bending his knee so that it landed right across her sternum. The girl came the rest of the way down the stairs.

"Stop!" she shouted horrified, as the Rock moaned in pain.

"Go get help now!" The Rock said again. "Please!"

The Dad approached the girl, and the girl stood fixated, like a frightened rabbit staring down a wolf. He began playing the tape, pointing out it's highlights, almost seeming to plead with her to believe him, to side with him, to understand him.

The girl had a thousand thoughts going through her mind. If I run he'll come after me, and he can out-run me. If he catches me he'll hurt me. Again something snapped in the girl and resolve broke through. At least I'll get him away from her and she can call the police.

The girl turned hoping he wouldn't come after her. She shoved her feet quickly into her snow boots and took off out the front door. She ran as fast as she could up the snow covered hill that was her drive-way, briefly taking a moment to look over her shoulder long enough to be relieved that he was not following her. She began running down the road trying to think of the closest place to help. She began naming off people she knew would be home in her head, each on closer to where they livedd than the last, and as she neared the end of the road, the house she waited for the bus at in the morning loomed in sillouhette in front of her, and she knew there would be someone there to come help. She pounded on the door rousing the resident.

She explained that there was an arguement and that she needed his help, but she was afraid to say more, afraid that the Dad or the Rock might be angry if she gave too much of their business away. She waited for the man to get his coat and boots impatiently, feeling as if every moment she waited was eternity. He seemed slow in responding, but she didn't say anything. He began walking back to her house. She was impatient, wanting to run as fast as they could, but she made herself walk, knowing that in the cold air it probably was better to walk. If i hear a gunshot go off I'm running though. I don't care. But fortunately there was no gun shot. As they got to the home the Dad was sitting in the living room and the Rock was in the kitchen on the telephone with the police. The man the girl had brought to help went to talk to the Dad, so the girl went to check on the Rock. The Rock gave her a hug and would not let her go.

The Dad convinced the man to leave, and the Rock clung to the telephone watching it seemed despairingly as he walked out the door. The Dad came in the kitchen. "I want to talk to my daughter," he said.

The girl tried to pull away from the Rock thinking it best to humor him since help was on it's way and the Rock was safe from him for now, but the Rock wouldn't let her go. "No," she said firmly. "Get away from me."

The dad got on the other end of the phone line and told the dispatcher that eh wanted to talk to his daughter. The girl listened confused as the Rock told him no again and the dispatcher told him that would not be possible at the moment. The girl was confused a little, but went with it. It seemed in her mind it would be better to humor him until the police arrived, maybe she could keep him from attacking the Rock again, but the Rock would not let her go, so she quit fighting, and trusted the Rock.

The police officer showed up, a man that the whole family knew, and arrested the Dad. The girl and the Rock followed behind the Sherrif down the mountain so that they could fill out their statements. it was then that the girl learned while she had been out getting help, the Dad had taken a shot gun and put it in the Rock's face, telling her she was going to die, and asking how it felt. Then when she didn't respond H e told her that maybe she should kill him, and then lowered the butt of the weapon down to her and she simply rolled away from it covering her hands with her face and refusing to touch it. Afterwards he left so she locked herself in the kitchen and called the police. The girl was terrified and related what had happened the previous night. She had never thought things would turn out this way. The girl filled out her police report somewhere around 1 in the morning.

As they drove back up the mountain exhausted the girl was quiet. They got about halfway up the mountain, and came around the corner that brought them to the top of red canyon. The girl loved the view of red canyon, that one deep gouge cut in the eart, rimmed on one side with red rock ledges. It looked much like a huge ampitheater with the biggest stage in the world. This morning it was bathed in moonlight, and with the snow it was breathtaking.

"Well, don't you want to know?" the Rock asked.

"Know what?" the girl asked wearily.

"If what he said is true."

"I don't care," the girl replied wearily, looking back out the window. "It's none of my business. Even if it is it doesn't excuse what he did tonight."

The Rock nodded and proceeded to tell her what happened, that indeed she had gone to Grand Junction, and that she was talking to Old Friend. She had felt that since he should have been moved out and they were already filing for divorce that it shouldn't be an issue.

The girl felt no surprise even thought she was sure she should. She didn't think anything could surprise her anymore after the things she saw over the last couple of nights.

The next day the Rock dropped her at a friends house while she went to work. "I don't expect you to go to school after what happened last night," the Rock said. "Will you be ok." The girl assured her she would.

The girl found herself wishing the rest of the day though that she was in school, instead of being left alone with her thoughts.

A Happy Birthday To One Of The Lousiest People On Earth

2005-01-30T18:13:00.000-08:00

Tommorrow is my biological father's birthday. Happy birthday dad. Normally on this day I make an effort to pray for him, and remind myself I have forgiven the man. I am disinclined to do that his year, though it's indeterminate why. I guess I'm working through some anger and stuff that's resurfacing. It sucks going through this again and again and again... but each time it's a new level, a new aspect, and I come out better on the other side of it. So... in reaching the other side I'll pray for the man and remember I've forgiven him... but for the moment as part of my birthday wishes, I also want to send out a very big..."SCREW YOU ASSHOLE! YOU LOST! I HAVE A GOOD LIFE WHILE YOU WASTE AWAY IN A MAX SECURITY PRISON! You may have ruined your life, but you failed in brining me down with you. So enjoy your 45th birthday. I doubt you get very many good days in there. Milk your birthday for all that it might be worth."

Wow! Now I'm feeling better, and already am wanting to forgive and pray for the man all over again. What can I say? Sometimes I'm just a flake.

Victorious Heart... that's all I can say. For those of you who know me personally... you know what I mean.

Revelation

2005-01-26T18:37:00.000-08:00

The girl and her oldest little sister were outside, under the canopy of the shed by the back porch. It seemed strange walking from the canopy to the porch, you went from total shade under it, to blue skies on the three steps leading up to the porch, and then you were covered once again by the canopy over the porch. The girl was teasing her sister about every little thing she could think of, and was relishing in being so mean. The girl some times hated her sister for being favored over her, but then there were also times the girl was glad that some of the mommy's and daddy's attentions were turned her ways and not to any of her younger sisters. She didn't understand it at all, but it was how it seemed to work.

The girl's sister finally had enough and was crying, "I'm going to go tell mommy!" she shouted, and then ran into the house. The girl stayed outside a little stunned, feeling a little stupid and a little afraid because she knew she was about to get into trouble. Sure enough a few minutes later the sister came back and informed her that the mommy wanted to see her.

The girl took a deep breath and started towards the door. She thought about running to the back of the property, running off into the trees she so often looked hopefully towards. She knew she was good at playing hide and seek with her sisters, but she didn't know how easily the adults would be fooled, even if she could run to the trees fast enough to get away. Instead she started up the porch steps determined to go get it done with.

The sister started chanting, "The girl's going to get a spanking. The girl's going to get a spanking." The girl turned away, frustrated that the sister was enjoying it so much, frustrated that she had been so mean and had enjoyed it so much. She cast a dirty look over her shoulder, and then finished climbing the last step onto the porch.

"She's up in her bedroom," the sister called after her, sounding mad that the girl hadn't said anything about her teasing.

The girl made her way through the spacious kitchen, and slowly climbed the staircase that led upstairs. The girl turned right at the top and turned the corner to go towards the mommy and the daddy's bedroom. It was the bedroom they had given her for the winter because they claimed it was the warmest room in the house. Now that it was summer they had moved back into it, and moved the girl and her sister to the room across the hall.

When the girl came in the mommy was crying. The girl was afraid. She didn't know what to expect, and thought maybe she had hurt the mommy’s feelings somehow. The girl only remembered seeing the mommy cry one other time. She had sat at the table where the girl colored with her head in her hands crying hard. When the girl asked why, the mommy cried harder and said that she lost her wedding ring and couldn't find it. The girl thought the wedding ring must be very special to mommy and that was what made her cry so hard.

Again the first thing the girl asked was, "What's wrong mommy?"

"Sit down girl," the mommy said sadly. "I need to talk to you."

"I'm sorry for teasing the sister," she said, afraid that was what hurt mommy's feelings.

"No it's not that," she said frowning. "I know you know better than to tease your sister. I've got to talk to you about something more important. You know how you have a different last name?" The girl nodded. "That's because the daddy you have right now is not your real daddy."

The girl was confused. "Then who is my real daddy? Where is he? Why isn't he here?"

"It's not something you would understand," the mommy said, brushing some tears away with the back of her hand. "He's found us here, and he wants to meet you. He sent a letter saying that he’s coming out for a visit. Do you want to meet him?"

The girl nodded with determination. "Yes I want to meet him."

"He'll be coming here in a few months. That's a little while away. Are you sure?"

"Yes," the girl nodded with enthusiasm.

"O.k.," the mommy replied not crying anymore. "Now go back outside and play... And quit picking on your sister!"

The girl left the mommy's room beaming, questions simmering in her young mind. She felt better knowing why she didn't fit in so well, why her last name was different from everyone else's. She wasn't adopted maybe, but she did have a daddy out there somewhere that really loved her.

She went skipping back outside. "Did you get in trouble?" The sister asked.

"No. But I've got another daddy and he's coming to visit me," the girl said excitedly. She couldn't wait to meet her real daddy, the one with the same last name as hers. She sighed trying to imagine what he would be like.

The New Boy

2005-01-21T15:35:00.000-08:00

The girl was in first grade, and one day a new boy was introduced to the class. The girls wasn't sure of everything that happened, but it seemed soon after the new boy came to Mrs. Schwartz's first grade class, the children started giving each other money. The girl couldn't figure out why, but most of the time they were giving it to him. He wasn't mean, he didn't do anything wrong, but he would ask the other children for their money and they seemed rather obliged to give it to him. Then it sort of spread and the students started doing the same of each other. The girl never had any money. Most of the time she brought a cold lunch to school, a sandwhich and a small bag of chips. There were times she got milk money, but that was rare.

Then there was one morning the mommy gave the girl a five dollar bill. "I don't have time to pack you a lunch this morning," she was saying, "Just get yourself a hot lunch, but I expect you to bring home all of the change." The girl nodded, absolutely thrilled. The other children complained about the food in the cafeteria, but she loved it whenever she had it... especially the pizza turn-overs. They were yummy. The girl intended nothing but to bring the change home, since she hoped it would mean mommy might let her have hot lunch again tomorrow.

The girl eagerly went through her classes, waiting for the promise of that wonderful hot food in lew of her cold peanut butter and jelly. She ate well and put her change on the table next to her tray so that it wouldn't fall out of her pockets when she sat at the table. The new boy sat next to her. He asked her if he could have a couple of her quarters, and she very nicely told him that she had to take ALL of the change back to her mommy.

The girl got up to take her tray and was having trouble deciding what to do about getting the money in her pockets. The boy very kindly offered to watch it for her until she got back. The girl was a little suspicius, but she wanted to give him a chance. She knew how it was not to be given a chance to do the right thing, so she agreed. When she returned she was disappointed to find that two quarters were indeed missing. She asked him if he had taken two quarters and he denied it, so she glumly gathered the remaining change up and put it n her pocket to go out for recess.

That night the girl gave the mommy the change, half afraid of getting into trouble for the two missing quarters, but the mommy didn't say anything, except to tell the girl to hang onto it because she would need it for hot lunch again tomorrow. The girl was happy for the rest of the night.

The next morning when the girl arrived at school, the new boy skulked up to her, gave her two quarters and told her that his mom told him he had to give them to her. The girl was happy that she got the money back, so just thanked him and acted surprised.

As they were in class that morning Mrs. Schwartz got up in front of the class. "There seems to be a problem about students giving each other money," she started saying. "Many of your parents have said they are concerned and you need to know right now there is a new rule. No more giving money to each other."

The new boy piped up hopefully, "Well I gave her some money this morning." He pointed at the girl.

Mrs. Schwartz turned towards the girl, a dark look on her face. The girl couldn't help but notice the way her short brown curls bounced as her head swung around. The girl knew immediately a scolding was coming, so she spoke up, "Only because he took them from me at lunch time yesterday when I had my back turned."

Mrs. Schwartz stopped what she was saying and looked back at the boy. "Is that true?" she asked. "Did you steal from her?"

The new boy turned beet red and looked down. "Yes," he said."

"Fine," Mrs. Schwartz said flatly. "I want you to go out into the hall amd wait for me by the door."

The boy obeyed. Mrs. Schwartz addressed the class. "I want all of you to stay in your seats, while I go talk to him." She picked up the big paddle that sat by the chalk board and walked out of the class room. The girl sat in awe of what was happening. She had never seen any of the teachers pick up any of the paddles they each kept in their class room.

Some of the students used the excuse of throwing something away, or sharpening their pencils to try and see what was going on outside the door. One by one each student tried, but glumly aounced in hushed voices to their neighbors that the teacher was only talking to him, and that he was crying. The girl couldn't resist either. She took a piece of tissue paper, crumpled it up, and made the trek to the trash can by the door. She poked her head out to see the new boy in tears, and an angry Mrs. Schwartz glaring at her, obviously waiting for her to leave. The girl meekly went back to her seat, feeling a little sorry that she had caused him to get into trouble, but also feeling a bit smug... partly thinking that he was getting what he deserved.

A sound smack resounded from the doorway, and the new boy came back into the class room followed by Mrs. Schwartz. He looked directly at the girl, part remorseful, and part terrified, "I'm sorry," he choked out to the girl.

"It's ok," the girl offered. She felt a little bad for him, but couldn't help a small satisfied smile. She hoped no one else noticed it.

Vacation Bible School

2005-01-16T12:23:00.000-08:00

The girl would never forget the night the older woman and man stopped by their house. They spoke of their church up the road, and in spite of the girl's lack of understanding about what was being said, it seems the adults came to the agreement that the older man and woman would take the girl and her sisters to church every Sunday. This thrilled the girl. She loved being around other people. Every Sunday it seemed the mommy was happy to dress the girls up and send them away in the large van to the church up the road. The littlest girl stayed home.. the girl supposed because she was too little.

This went on for some time and the girl loved it. But she was even happier durng one summer when they had vacatiob Bible school. The people in the church had been working hard at building class rooms in the basement of the church. The girl loved the smell of the wood, and found the bare wood frames, waiting to be covered with drywall appealing. Two class rooms had been completed towards the back. The girl was happy to go away for an hour in the evening.

She was also excited because at the end of the week all of the Bible School students would put on a play, and each one had a Bible verse to recite. The girl looked forward to standing up in front of everyone, and reciting the verse. It made her feel special to know everyone would be looking at her, and listening to what she was saying intently. Her oldest sister also had a verse to remember and recite, but it was much shorter than the girls, and even though she didn't say so to the sister, it made her proud, that she had been given such a large part.

The day before the recital, the mommy was nice and made sure she went over the girls lines with her. The girl was surprised it even mattered to her, and even more surprising was when the mommy told her that she and the daddy would be coming to see the recital. The girl was ecstatic. She bubbled over about it the entire night, and all of the next day. The girl somehow always thought that the mommy and daddy didn't like churches, or were afraid of them, but then she remembered one time when she was very little being in Sunday School, the wandering away from the classroom to find her mommy and daddy. She remembered the big double doors, the huge fancy room, all of the people, the one big man that stood behind a podium dressed in robes, and looking very important. She remembered the big stained glass window behind him, and the candles. She remembered hearing him drone on, and she also remembered thinking that this was a very boring place, and she would rather be back in the sunday school class playing with the toys. That was so long ago though, and she still thought it was very unsual for the mommy and daddy to come to the church, even though she was giving a recital. Then she remembered her oldest little sister would also be giving one too, and suddenly she didn't feel quite as happy, but she was looking forward to it.

The next night the church was full, there were people in costumes, bleachers had been set up on the stage for people to sing, and everything was ready. The music was wonderful. And when it came to her part she looked out over the audience for the mommy and daddy. She was pleasantly surprised when she saw them. She was so excited she waved to them, and was happy when they smiled nd waed back. she belted out her recital as loudly and clearly as she could, and was happy when everyone clapped for her. Her sister came up next and did a good job also, even though hers was shorter. The girl felt very good. She was proud of herself, and of the sister.

A Dog Named Duke

2005-01-11T13:26:00.000-08:00

The girl had a dog. He wasn't the prettiest dog ever, but chances are he was the friendliest ever. He had short brown hair, that looked and felt almost like velvet. His eyes were a light brown, and his head looked kind of boxy on top. He had long floppy ears, and the inside of his mouth was a bright pink, with a row of bright white teeth. He had a longthin tail that almost always seemed to wag.

One summer day the girl walked out of the back door of the kitchen and saw the mommy hitting Duke across the mouth and heard him yelp. "Mommy what's wrong?!" the girl squealed in horror.

"He tried to bite me," the momy replied nursing her hand. She got up from where she sat on the glossy blue grey porch step. The girl looked for Duke, but it seemed he had run away as fast as he could.

The girl didn't believe it, not really. Duke never bit... unless someone was trying to be mean to him. The mommy went inside and washed her hands, but the girl didn't see anyplace where Duke might have bitten. "He's going to learn that he can't bite," the mommy said under her breath. "We don't keep things around here that attack us."

The girl wasn't in any way going to say she thought her mommy was lying... but she knew she was. The girl asked the mommy if she would be o.k., and the mommy said she would be fine, to go back outside and play.

So the girl did, using the opportunity to look for Duke, but she couldn't find him anywhere. She figured he would come out when he was ready. So she played, climbing the big cherry tree, swinging on the swings, and getting lost in the smaller patch of corn stalks, that to her eyes was still big enough to get lost in, even though it was nowhere near the size of the field of corn behind their garden that belonged to the land-lord.

Duke didn't re-appear for the rest of the day, but the girl had forgotten about what happened earlier until the daddy came home. He drove up to the house, but instead of going into it, he went back out to the road, and down to whre the enbankment was the highest and steepest. It would be a long and painful tumble to go down it, so the girl avoided it. When the daddy came back he was carrying Duke. Dukes pink tongue lolled out of his mouth and he looked stiff. The girl knew that he was hurt... or dead like Harvey.

The daddy said that he saw Duke halfway up the enbankment as he drove by. Both adults said they thought Duke ran into the road and was hit, then died trying to crawl back home. The mommy never told the daddy about hitting duke, but instead looked at the girl.

"You just didn't take good enough care of him," she said. "You didn't feed him enough, or water him when you should. He was probably looking for food."

The girl was already fighting to hold back tears. She didn't want the daddy to see her cry, but what the mommy said hurt too much, and much to her shame she began crying.

"It's just a dog," the daddy said, looking a little confused. "We can get you another dog. Will that make you stop crying?"

The girl tried to suck in the tears, and nodded her head. After all she did want to have a companion, and she didn't want to ruin it by crying. She could cry later into her pillow when no one would hear her.

A Bright Sunny Afternoon...

2005-01-09T15:15:00.000-08:00

The girl sat in her bedroom playig with her dolls. She was a little mad because she was in trouble, but she didn't exactly understand why. The three sisters were downstairs watching a movie. It was so loud the girl could hear it clearly from the living room directly underneath her floor boards. Not only was she mad at mommy and daddy for making her be in trouble, but she was jealous of the sisters. It was times like these when she wondered if she was adopted, and that was why she didn't fit in. She still couldn't get mommy to tell her why her last name was different than everyone else's. That she was adopted was the only thing that made sense, but she kept these things to herself... afraid of what might happen if she said them aloud.

"Are you supposed to be playing?" the daddy's gruff voice came from the doorway.

The girl felt a shock go through her and she scrambled to get up on her bed where she knew she was supposed to be. He came in wearing nothing but his jeans, and the mommy followed. The girl was unsure of what was going on. The mommy moved the girl off the bed and made quick work of stripping the blankets and sheets off to the bare mattress. From downstairs the Disney movie blared it's happy music. Sunlight poured through the big white window frame.

The mommy lay a large white sheet on the bed, with wierd looking designs. The girl had very little time to notice it though. The dady scooped her up and began roughly taking her clothes off. The girl was scared. She didn't know what was happening, and she looked to the mommy to find out, but she just stood there smiling.

The daddy put the girl on the bed and bore his weight down on her, crushing her. She felt pain between her legs unlike any pain she'd ever known. She cried out for him to stop. She begged and pleaded, screamed becuase it hurt. She begged her mommy to make it stop, but she only stood there with a smile... a smile like a sly fox, a mean smile.

Soon it was over. The mommy wrapped the girl up in the sheet and carried her to the bathroom, putting her in the tub. The mommy ran scalding water over the girls bottom, never saying a word as the poor girl whimpered and cried, trying to hold her bottom. It was bleeding, and wet... the hot water ran over her making the blood swirl, and yucky white globs slide down the drain like snot. Then the mommy ran a bath. The daddy appeared in the doorway, his pants up and a shirt on, and he wiped the corner of his mouth with his hand, a strange look on his face.

The mommy washed the girl, ignoring the tears and moans of pain, and got her dressed in clean clothes. "Now go to bed and don't get up until dinner," the mommy finally said.

The girl ran as fast as she could to her bedroom. The mommy followed behind her. "You took your sheets off. Well, I'll put them back on, and then you're going to lay down. No more getting into trouble for you today." The mommy re-made the bed, and tucked the girl in, giving her a kiss on the forehead. "No more trouble out of you now."

The girl nodded biting back tears, and curled up under the thin blanket, cowering and quivering. She was still hurting, but more than anything she was afraid that was her punishment for being bad. The mommy left downstairs, the girl didn't know where the daddy went, but she wasn't going to chance anything. She stayed there and cried. She cried harder than she ever had in her life, and she felt ashamed. She must be adopted, that was why they hated her so much. It had to be. Somewhere she knew she had a mommy and daddy that wanted and loved her, and would never ever hurt her. It had to be.

Farewell, Harvey The Goat...

2005-01-08T13:49:00.000-08:00

The girl donned her gloves and hat, already feeling her movement restricted by her snow pants, coat, and boots. When she walked she felt that she must look like a pegnuine did, waddling with their little wings poking out as their heads bobbed from side to side. The image in her head made her smile.

"Be sure you're giving him plenty of hay to eat and to sleep on," the mommy was saying. "It's very cold out there, and make sure his water isn't frozen."

"Yes mommy." the girl replied. A little light was filtering through the windows in the big yellow kitchen, but the sky was a dreary grey, and the sky was spitting a heavy wet snow. The snow was already deep enough to reach to her knees, but she didn't mind. Even though she could only go out long enough to feed the goat while it was snowing, later when it stopped it meant there would be plenty of snow to build a snow man... maybe even a snow house.

The mommy checked her over one last time, seeming to try and make sure she was well bundled. It always surprised the girl when mommy was like this. Most of the time she cried, or yelled, or didn't seem to care. Sometimes she would lock herself in her bedroom and not come out. The summer times were nice because the girl and her sisters could go outside to play all day, and that seemed to make the mommy happier. "All right, don't take too long."

The girl bounced out of the kitchen door onto the large wooden porch, painted in a glossy blue gray. It seemed to match the dreary sky today. The cold instantly hit her in the face and made her eyes water a little.

The girl trudged passed the little ricket machine shed that was directly next to the house as you came off the back porch, and started making what seemed an almost endless journey to the large shed that sat at the very back of the large farmhouse property. She loved going back to this shed, it was so far away from the house, so quiet, and there was a short dirt road that went off the property back into some trees. It couldn't be seen today, but in the summertime, she always let her imagination wander as to where that road might go... what wonders might be found back there in the "forest".

She finally got to the big shed and opened the door. Harvey was laying on the straw very still. The girl was wary around Harvey. He had been mean at first, biting and trying to butt everyone, but she had worked hard at being slow and gentle around him, a task that was almost impossible for all the energy and enthusiasm she had. After what seemed a very long time he didn't bother her anymore, just watched her carefully, and after what seemed like forever, he eventually let the girl pet him.

Harvey didn't get up, but the girl made sure she put out the hay for him, broke the ice that had frozen over his water, and left him alone, thinking he must be asleep.
Then she returned to the house.

The next day her mother sent her out again. It was still snowing and the sky was still gray. As she opened the door it was obvious Harvey had not moved from where he was yesterday. The girl's heart sunk, but not quite willing to be dettered, she trotted through the snow to the machine shed where the big tractors and cranes were kept, the one with the gray metal siding, and she went to the back of it. The entire wall around the back was a bin where they stowed dried ears of corn. Knowing that Harvey loved the dried corn the girl took a couple of ears, and went back to give them to him. When he didn't get up at all, even for the corn, the girl knew... but she didn't want to admit that it could be. She dropped the ears of corn and ran back to the house.

She burst in the door, "Mommy I think something's wrong with Harvey. He's just laying there, the same as he was yesterday, and won't move."

"Just a minute," the mommy said and got her coat. "Let's go see."

The girl and her mommy walked to the shed, and the mommy stood and looked for a minute not saying anything. There was a strange look on her face. "He froze to death," she said, and they quietly walked back to the house.

A few days later some men brought a great big tractor to dig a hole through the snow and the frozen ground, and they buried Harvey. The girl didn't cry, but she did feel sad that Harvey had been out in the cold all alone. She had dreams about it for a few nights after... being alone in the cold, no one to take care of her. She was a very good little girl for a very long while, afraid that bad girls might be left in the shed like Harvey, to freeze to death.

Red Tail Lights

2005-01-07T21:25:00.000-08:00

The girl was rudely awoken by the daddy shaking her shoulder. She was half afraid she was in trouble, or that he had come for another "visit".

"Get up," he said a little gruffly. "We have to go after your mother."

"Where is she?" the girl asked groggily.

"She's out with someone. Go downstairs and put on your coat. I have to get your sisters."

The girl stumbled down the stairs and went to the closet in the living room to get her coat, she pulled out the old beaten up coat from last year that had been given to the oldest of her little sisters. The oldest came around the corner frowning, her short blond hair messy. The girl gave the sister her coat without saying anything. The daddy came in carrying their younger sister. Mommy said they had another sister or brother on the way.

The daddy piled the three girls in the small back seat of the little silver hatch back car, and quickly sped away from their house. The girl drifted in and out of sleep, but it was not long before she noticed they were in the city... the big city, not the little town they lived outside of.

The daddy was grumbling about mommy being with a friend of his, when he suddenly exclaimed, "There they are!" and hit the gas pedal. The girl perked up. It was like a game of tag.

The girl couldn't see mommy, or the daddy's friend though. All she could see was red tail lights, as they travelled the streets, and turned off onto what seemed like a complicated exit.

"Why doesn't she stop daddy?" the girl asked.

He didn't answer just frowned. "Damn I lost them!"

"Are we going to find her?" The girl asked, always interested in a game of hide and seek.

His eyes looked back at her in the rear view mirror. He looked mad, tired, and even a little hurt. "No," he sighed. "I guess I'm just going to take you girls home. Go back to sleep."

So the girl did, wondering what it was that was going on. She did not notice mommy being gone the next morning, but the mommy did look tired, and complained that her back was sore from a fall down the stairs. The girl never gave it a second thought... it was almost as if the chase after the red tail lights the night before had been nothing more than a dream.

Barns, Blood, and Hysteria

2005-01-05T13:40:00.000-08:00

The girl and her sisters sat at the big wooden table with pic-nic style benches on either side. The table was built much like a pic-nic table, but solid and sturdy, large, and laquered smooth. Sunlight radiated off of the cheerful yellow walls through the huge farmhouse windows.

"Daddy and I have to run across the street to the mail-box," Mommy was saying. "We'll be right back." The two of them left out of the large front door, and the girl watched them walk down the large hill towards the end of the drive-way and to the road.

The mail-box was across the busy country road near the barn. The size of the buildings on the farm were awesome to the tiny girl. The barn from up in the house looked larger than life, and the mail-box and two adults so tiny.

The girl and her sisters got bored, so they got up from the table to play. The girl went into the small sectioned off area where the sink and a toilet were. It seemed stranged to the girl... a toilet in the kitchen, but it was walled off from the main part as was the sink. In this little area were many drawers and cupboards. The girl, ever curious and ever exploring decided to look in the drawers. she found something wrapped and taped in a small strip of paper. Inside were three small, flat, rectangular, pieces of metal. One edge was thick, and the other thin. Up by the thick edge were two long holes. She thought it strange that they were wrapped up, not understanding what could possibly be so special about these pieces of metal, so she closed the drawer and went back into the main part of the kitchen. The oldest siter and the girl went to the window to look for the adults.

It seemed they were on the way back and the girl and her sister squealed in delight. The two adults entered the kitchen, and the mommy's face immediately screwed up in a frown. "Who's bleeding?" she asked concerned.

The girl stopped and frowned, "No one's bleeding mommy," the girl replied.

The mommy pointed at the table and the white window sill, where there were tiny blood smeared finger prints. The second sister began crying. She always cried when she saw blood, and it seemed she cried a lot because she often woke up with nose bleeds in the morning. The daddy tried to comfort her, but it seemed to only make her worse and he gave up.

The girl looked down at her hands to see many tiny cuts on the palm of her hands and on her fingers. "It's me," the girl said stunned, not quite believing her eyes. Shouldn't it hurt? she thought, It doesn't hurt, but I'm bleeding.

"What were you playing with?" the mommy demanded. "What did you get into? Show me!" Her voice was high pitched, angry and scared it seemed.

The girl walked back into the liitle room with the sink where she noticed blood and finger prints on the drawer she was in. The mommy's face went white as a piece of paper. "Why were you in the kitchen drawers?! There's razors in there!"

The mommy snatched the girl up and washed her hands off in hot water. All the while the second sister was wailing and blubbering, and the mommy was screaming at the girl to stay out of places she didn't belong. The girl only heard it on the surface. She didn't feel the scalding water, All she could do was wonder how she had been cut, but hadn't felt any pain. She wanted to know how that was possible.

She was startled back though when it came time to clean the cuts with alcohol. That did hurt, and she certainly felt it. After the cuts had band-aids on them, and the blood was wiped from the table, drawer, and window sill, the second sister calmed down, crawling into the mommy's lap and whimpreing.

The girl wanted so much to give her a hug to let her know she was o.k.

Later the girl heard the daddy yelling at the mommy, "Who in their right fucking mind leaves razors in a drawer kids can reach, you fucking incompetent bitch!"

The girl closed her eyes and tried not to think about her sore hand.

A Flower In The Attic

2005-01-03T20:10:00.000-08:00

The girl loved the farmhouse for so many reasons. First there was the basement... though a little frightening it had oh so many places to explore. It's dank smell and dirtiness just made it that much more intriguing. The kitchen was huge as was the living room. The upstairs was fun to play hid and seek in, and with the ease of movement, it was possible to switch hiding places making it almost impossible for the sisters to find her. Then there was the attic. The attic was the girl's favorite. It had a small dusty window that it seemed you could see the whole world through. It seemed old and as opposed to the basement dry and friendly. No one ever came up there to stir up the dust bunnies, to take down gossamer webs, or to sweep the dusty floor. It smelled of age and timelessness. No one ever came up there except to put something away to be forgotten until it was needed again.

The girl wasn't supposed to, but she went to the attic at every opportunity she had. It was quiet and lonely, and no one hardly ever thought to look for her there. It was floored all the way across, only getting low under the eaves, and a single stair case led down to a single wooden door.

Mommy watched a movie called, "Flowers In The Attic". The girl watched it too, and was half afriad afterwards that her mommy might poison her. She often thought when she was in the attic that she was a flower. She came across a box, and was delighted to discover that it contained her valentine's cards from school last year. Each red and pink card seemed a riot of color in the drab brown attic, the sunlight piercing through the dust motes lazily floating in the air.

She looked through each card, remembering each child, and wishing she was back in school. Each one reminded her that she was real, that someone, even the ones that were mean to her, at least had written something nice on their cards, even if they didn't mean it.

She packed each card back in the box carefully, determined to come back up and look at them again tomorrow, the carefully made her way down the stairs, and peaked her head out the door, to make sure no one was watching. The coast was clear, and she bounced her way down stairs to the living room where mommy sat watching soap operas.

Wishbone

2004-12-30T08:30:00.000-08:00

The girl looked down at her long dress, all in dark cream and brown plaid. She didn't like the colors, but she loved the dress. It made her feel like a princess. Her daddy, the one with the same last name, was taking her Christmas shopping today, and while they were at the mall in Denver they would also be getting pictures taken.

His girlfriend, the Princess had been very kind and caring the whole time the girl had been visiting. She'd taught the girl how to stuff a turkey, and let her help bake the sweets. Thanksgiving dinner had been a real treat, a memory she would always cherish, and something she eagerly awaited to tell the sisters about. She missed them so much.

She chattered away as they drove in the truck, had fun looking at all of the shiny and new things in the shops at the mall, and eagerly looked forward to the pictures. The daddy with her last name seemed happy and sad.

The next day it was time for her to leave. Her daddy had carried her around on his shoulders and she asked him to do it again, but he refused saying that he was tired. But he did pull something out of his pocket. "Do you know what this is?" he asked.

"It's a Wishbone!" the girl squealed in delight recognizing the object from the salad dressing commercials.

"That's right. Do you know how it works?"

"No," the girl admitted feeling stupid.

"You hold one end, and I hold the other. We both make a wish and then pull until it breaks. Whoever gets the bigger have gets their wish." The girl was excited. She took her end eagerly, closed her eyes and made her wish. "Are you ready?" her daddy asked.

She nodded excitedly and they both started tugging. A clean snap sounded and as she looked down she was a bit saddened to see that she held the smaller half in her hand.

It would be years late that she would learn that at that moment her daddy had wished to be able to see her again, she had wished to be able to ride on his shoulders again, and in the end... they both got their wish.

Death

2004-12-29T11:23:00.000-08:00

The girl sat with the oldest of her little sisters in the large green seat of the big yellow school bus. The large bus driver that the girl had gotten to know over the last couple of years continually checked her mirror, trying to keep an eye on the loud and unruly kids at the back of the bus. The girl's sister sat by the window, watching the sunlit green fields go by as they drove out the country road towards the large white farm house they lived in.

The girl was in second grade this year, and had a great teacher... Mrs. Jones. Mrs. Jones had taken over for Mrs. Schwarts last year since Mrs. Schwarts went on "Maternity Leave". The girl knew that meant Mrs. Schwartz was going to have a baby, and that she would be gone for a while. Mrs. Jones was a large woman, and very cheerful. The girl really liked her warm and kind nature.

Last year the girl's parents had lied about her sister's age to get her into kindergarten. They said that her sister was only a year younger than the girl, but she knew that wsn't true. There had always been two years between them, and that didn't change just because the adults said so... any more than saying that she was 8 instead of 7 made her eight. The sister had not done well, and was in a transitional class this year. the girl knew somehow that it wasn't right, but she wasn't sure what exactly wasn't right about it.

What she knew was that her sister was often teased by the older kids. Sometimes the girl would defend her, and sometimes the girl would join in, relishing in feeling so mean. Always though, she felt badly about it afterwards.

Today her sister was quiet. Her short blond hair framed her little round face, and her blue eyes looked disappointed and tired. The sister's shoulders slumped as she watched out the window.

The girl was a little worried about her sister, but she was happy too. It had been a really fun day. There had been story hour in the library, and a filmstrip about how to find books in the library. She could hardly wait to get home and go to her room, to pull out the beautiful, treasured picture books she had checked out that day.

As the bus pulled up in front of the big hill the farmhouse sat on, and they got off of the bus together, the girl asked, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," her sister replied darkly, letting her shoulders slump, and last year's back-pack that had been handed down to her from the girl dragging behind her, they both made the steady ascent towards the house. The girl decided not to push, even though she was genuinely concerned.

They climbed the big concrete stairs up onto the high porch. Two white painted aluminum columns holding the canopy on way high above... high enough that if you opened the upstairs bathroom window you could walk out onto the roof of it. It was incredibly large and open to a child of her teeny size.

The two girls opened the front door with the fancy frosted glass and entered, confronted with the musty smell of the old house. In front of them was the long steep stairway upstairs to the bedroom, as they entered the foyer area, to their right was the entrance to the kitchen, and to the left was the entrance to the living room. The girl always thought it a little odd that the bottom of the house was divided into two large rooms. Mommy said she just didn't have enough furniture to fill the space.
Mommy called the girls into the living room and told them both to sit down on the couch with her. "Girls," she said. "your aunt Linda died in a car crash." The girl immediately burst into tears even though she wasn't really sure what it was she was feeling. All she knew was that she would never see Aunt Linda again, and she had been one of the few people theat had seemed genuinely sweet and kind in the family.
"She and her youngest son were in their truck, and she fell asleep at the wheel, and hit a tree," mommy said. Mommy huggedthe girl. The sister simply pulled away, no tears, but she was frowning much more than she had been. the mommy asked her if she would be o.k., but she didn't respond, just ran out of the room. The girl could hear her footsteps going up the stairs, the sound of them echoing in the hollow basement stair-well directly below..

The girl stopped crying and left too. Over the next few weeks, the girl heard whispered conversations between the adults, phrases like "there was nothing left of the boy", "closed-casket", "investigation"... The girl didn't understand them, but she did understand that she and her sisters were not going to the funeral, that they would have a baby-sitter.

After it was over mommy and daddy came home, and mommy talked about how beautiful it had been, that there were angels on the boy's coffin, but they were not sure who the oldest boy would live with since they could not contact the father.

All she could do was be sad that she would never see any of them ever again.

The Present

2004-12-28T21:09:00.000-08:00

The Woman sits behind her computer screen, staring blankly as the next memory fades. The sensations, the odors, the emotions are still there. Looking back there seems to be so much more she notices than when she was actually there, more words to describe the events than her child's mind would have allowed, undercurrents in the adults, that only now as an adult herself she can somewhat comprehend. The dark memories are frightening, alien, and though a part of who she is today, it seems as if she is looking back at someone else's life with a new pair of eyes. The people she remembers are remembered almost as the monster under the bed on a day to day basis, but as she delves back in and remembers, the terror is no less real, the pain only slightly dulled by time, and acquired knowledge with which to cope.

She hangs onto the better memories, recording them with a smile, trying to remember something of the child she never really got to be.

Her own children play in the background of her quiet home, innocent, unaware. Their purity and innocence is something she is determined to preserve with a vengeance. She looks at them almost mournfully sometimes, wondering, what is it like to see the world through their eyes? What is it like to be safe, secure, and loved unconditionally. The woman knows she is not a perfect mother, she makes mistakes, doesn't always keep the cleanest house, but the children are loved, clean, healthy, fed, and over-all well cared for. She would never ever let them go without, and she would never intentionally do anything to make them feel badly about themselves or unloved.

New memories surface. Her adoptive mother tells her it is probably because her two precious daughters are about the same age she was when things began. Her husband is loving and supportive, but it's difficult for everyone. So she is determined... she will record what she is remembering. She will take these dragons and monsters that have been hiding in the dark closets of her mind, the monsters called "memory", "past", "abuse", "rape", "incest", "neglect", and drag them kicking and screaming out into the light, where she knows they will cower, and no longer seem so terrible and frightening. She has no other desire than to disarm the lies, and to give them no more places to run, hide, and thrive.

Her infant son sits quietly asleep next to her. She looks at him with hope. As protective as she is of her daughters, she is of her son, if in a slightly different way. She will protect him from the world of misoginyst's until he is ready to combat their lies. She will teach him to honor women, to cherish them and uphold them, as she will teach her daughters that there are good men out there as well. Her legacy to her children is the broken cycle, and the hope of a better future for them. She knows she will make mistakes, that unfortunately some of her own issues may be passed on residually. All she can do is pray in advance that it is minimal, and any wounds she may unintentionally inflict can be quickly and easily healed, that her children will learn from her mistakes, and do better by her grandchildren some day.

This is the woman's hope. This is the woman's motivation for dragging these horrible monsters into the light and revealing their ugliness to the world. There are no more dark places for them to hide.

Crush

2004-12-28T11:28:00.000-08:00

First grade was so much fun for the girl. Even though there were other children that teased her and some times made her cry, there was no place else she would rather be than school. The other children said their teacher Mrs. Schwartz was mean, but the girl didn't think so. The girl thought that she was just trying to teach. The girl had a friend named Karen. She had a pretty face, soft brown curls that framed her face and always stayed in place, and she had a beautiful red jacket. Karen's voice was always soft and nice, and she was kind and gentle when the girl and she played on the play ground.
It was cold outside today. There was snow on the ground and Karen wasn't there today. The girl stood in the biting wind hugging the jacket to her that Nanny and Pappy had given her. Her snow boots were big and klunky, and the other children made fun of them. They were an ugly dark blue, with a gray streak across the front, the surface riddled with teeny little cracks. Her coat was an ugly brown, ad the hood didn't stop her unruly curls from being pulled into her blue eyes by the wind. She stood underneath a basket ball hoop, leaning against the pole, and watching the other children slide down snow banks in their shiny new snow suits. She loved sliding in the snow, but she didn't much feel like it today. She watched the two teachers on recess duty huddle together in their high heeled boots, and long winter coats, talking together emphatically. One held her silver whistle in her hand, while the other let hers dangle around her neck. The sky was grey and dreary, and the tan brick building that seemed shiny and new at the beginning of the year looked bleak and tired today.
The girl was eagerly awaiting for the whistle to be blown. Mrs. Schwart's had said earlier that they would be drawing names for the Christmas exchange, and she wondered who she would pick. She hoped it might be Karen, or maybe it would be the boy she liked. His name was James, and she liked him because he had the same name as James Bond. She liked James Bond. He was nice to ladies, and beat up the bad guys.

Finally the shrill sound of the whistle sounded above the shouts and cheers of the other children, and the girl quickly made her way to the door of the building. But some of the other children were bigger and faster than her, and easily pushed around her, making her take care to wait, or risk being pushed down, getting hurt and crying. She didn't want to cry. Everyone made fun of her when she cried, and tears seemed to come so easily when she was hurt or angry. She didn't know how to stop them from coming any more than she knew how to make everyone stop making fun of her.

She finally got through the halls and shuffled into the classroom. She loved the way it smelled. The smell of the glue and crayons, the construction paper, and how clean it was. It always smelled clean. She hung her coat on the hook that had her name above it. Somehow it always made her proud to know that was her hook, with her name, and seeing that little red strip of construction paper with her name written in bold black letters seemed one of the most precious things in the world. She took her snow boots off and retrieved her worn out tennis shoes from her cubby hole, slipping them on. Another little spot that she was proud to call hers, also marked in big bold letters with her name.

A little boy, one of the mean ones came up and shoved her as she was putting on a shoe, pretending it was an accident. "Oh, I'M Sorry!" He says but she can tell he doesn't mean it. The other kids laugh.

She just picks herself up, smiles with effort, and says, "That's o.k."

As she turns around she sees the teacher scowling at the little boy, but she doesn't say anything. Another student distracts the teacher and it seems she just lets the situation go. The girl sighs and moves quietly to her desk, determined that she won't let anything kill her excitement about picking the names.

Finally everyone gets in their seats and the teacher asks them to be quiet. She begins to explain that everyone will draw names from a hat, and that you're not supposed to tell anyone who you got. The girl loves secrets and surprises, at least ones that are fun. She can't wait.

She sits on her hands to keep from fidgeting while she's waiting to dive her hand into the hat and feel the rustling little slips of paper. At last the moment has arrived, and in she plunges her hand, feeling her little fingers wrap around one tiny slip. She pulls it out. The hat is whisked off to the next child, and she almost wishes it would have stayed in case she wanted to re-pick. After all what if she'd picked the boy who'd just shoved her. She certainly didn't to give him a present.

She opened the little slip of paper, and was delighted at the name she saw written there... James. Her heart skipped, and a smile planted itself on her face. Nothing could make her unhappy now.

"The Christmas party is this Friday," Mrs. Schwartz was saying, "Make sure you bring a present, wrapped and ready to put under the tree with your persons name on it. Then we'll try to guess who got our presents for us."

The girl is delighted. She just knows James will never guess it was her that got his present. She carries the slip of paper home on the bus, ignoring the jeers from the older kids, especially the one high school kid named Eric who always made fun of her. She clutched the little slip of paper as if it were a great treasure.

When she got home she excitedly told mommy about the drawing and the upcoming Christmas party. Her mommy frowned and said, "I'll see what we can do."

A couple of days later the girl watched eagerly as mommy wrapped up a little toy car and wrote, "James" on the label. "This is for tomorrow," she said.

When James opened the present at the Christmas party the next day he looked excited about it, and happy that it was a car. When it came time to guess, the girl fidgeted, smiling, thinking he would never guess it was her. Much to her surprise he pointed right at her and said her name though. She just turned her eyes down, blushing, and gave the admission that it was her that had given the gift.

In The Dark...

2004-12-27T14:13:00.000-08:00

The girl lay in her bed, barely drifting out of sleep. Her room was half lit by the hall light at the top of the stairs. His shadow spread ominously across the floor, trying to consume that small pool of light. She knew instantly he was angry, and she was afraid. She squeezed her eyes tight, hoping that if he thought she was asleep, he'd leave her alone and she wouldn't get in trouble.

The girl stumbled over thoughts in her mind, trying to conjure up some reason he might be angry with her, some reason he might be coming to her door way. Please let him think I'm asleep, she begged silently. I don't want a spanking. She wouldn't even let herself think that it was anything other than a spanking in his intentions.

His heavy footfalls sound across the carpet. She made herself concentrate on remembering the large pink roses on that old carpet, the faded blue background, that she imagined one day must have been as vivid and bright as the sky, the white feathery swirls around the roses. She hears the clink of his belt buckle, and she squints her eyes tighter.

As she hears the sound of a zipper, a shudder passes through her, and she feels terror, followed by a hollow feeling in her stomach, followed by a sensation of numbness and resignation.

His attack is vicious, full of anger and hate, His huge hand encloses over her small throat, and she fights for air. She would scream if she could, but she can barely manage small raspy breaths. His weight is crushing, the scent of his cologne and sweat overwhelming. The hair on his chest brushes her cheek, fills her vision, and the pain of his force is searing. She isn't sure if he's mad at her, or maybe he's mad at mommy, but he's angry.

I'm so sorry, she thinks silently, as she fights to breath. I'm sorry. Please stop. I won't ever do it again. Please stop, daddy. She feels tears sliding down her cheeks and she's angry with herself for them.

She closes her eyes, and drifts to her castle, her fortress. She raises the draw bridge and climbs a long stair to the top of her favorite tower. She tip-toes passed the room, the one with the door looking in on her bedroom, the one where he, and her body are. She turns away from it, not daring to look, not wanting to ever admit that it was her daddy in there, hurting her. She climbs to the very top of the tower, and looks down on gardens, she watches birds flying by, and vines swinging gently in the breeze. She wishes she could be with her other daddy... her real daddy... the one with the same last name as her. Maybe that was why this daddy was so mad. Maybe he was mad because she had another daddy. The three sisters didn't have another daddy. Maybe this daddy didn't like her because she was special and had two daddy's.

Suddenly the pain is over, she ventures down the stairs to her tower carefully. The room is dark and silent, so she enters it. Her body, the girl, lies shivering, and trying to ignore the wetness all over and around her, on her legs, on her sheets. She rolls over fighting for breath, and tries to go to sleep.

She hears his zipper again, and his belt buckle, and then his footsteps get softer as he walks out of the door, and down the stair case.

Diamonds In The Dirt

2004-12-23T11:01:00.000-08:00

The girl played outside of the tiny little trailer home, looking forward to the afternoon. Mommy and Daddy said they were going to go to the movies to watch "He-Man and She-ra", and the girl was very excited. In her little shorts and tank top she relished in the feel of the hot sun beating down on her skin. Her legs and arms seemed dark with the exposure to it. Her light blond curls kept falling into her blue eyes. She wiggled her toes as the grass beneath her bare feet poked up in between them tickling. It was a hot mid-summer day. The foliage was lush and green on the trees, as the acrid Pennsylavania air shimmered in waves.

"Girl, go get your shoes on," her mommy called from the porch. "We're getting ready to go. Your flip-flops are in the car."

The girl skips excitedly to the old black car. It's paint was dull and seemed to have shaded swirls. If you brushed against it too much the paint would rub off on you. She stops for a moment to admire the diamonds on the ground all around the car, sparkling enticingly in the dirt. The adults said she was silly, that it was only broken glass, but she knew the truth. All of those little clear cubicle shaped stones were beautiful diamonds, the adults just didn't know something beautiful even when it was staring them in the face. Nothing they could ever say would convince her that they were anything but precious gems, that someone had simply tossed aside... as they tossed her aside.

She walked across the diamonds and got in the car to get her pink flip-flops and put them on. She was terribly excited!

It was not long before mommy, daddy, she, and her little sister piled in the car to go to the movies. When they got to the movie theater it hurt to walk, her feet seemed very sore and she limped a little, but she ignored it, determined that she wanted to see the movie, and not willing to do anything that might spoil that.

She sat in the darkened theater, completely enthralled by the movie, imagining that she was "She-ra", imagining that she was that strong, that no one could touch her, that no one could hurt her.

After the movie was over it seemed almost impossible to walk, her feet were hurting so badly. "my feet hurt," she comlained with a bit of a pout.The adults seemed concerned and got her to the car hurriedly. Once sitting down, she and her little sister began talking about the movie, pretending things together, and making up stories of their own that were almost completely unrelated to what had actually happened in it. The pain seemed almost forgotten until they got home and she tried to stand again.

When they arrived home the little sister was put down for a nap, and mommy and daddy began looking at the girl's feet.

"You got some glass stuck in them," the daddy said. "Get a safety pin mommy, we need to get this out."

The girl struggled and kicked. The safety pin hurt, so much that she struggled away any time they even got it near her. Finally mommy told her to close her eyes, so she did. She felt a little pain in one foot, and barely contained a whimper, but she managed to stay still, and then it seemed it was over.

"I guess you won't be walking bare foot across the glass anymore will you?" asked daddy.

She slowly shook her head no, feeling as if she'd been crushed.

Leaving On A Jet Plane

2004-12-22T11:18:00.000-08:00

She woke up with her stomach in knots. Today was the day, the day she left her mommy and daddy, her three little sisters to go visit her other daddy... her real daddy. She remembered his brown hair and sparkling hazel eyes. The last time she'd seen him he'd seemed so happy, and then sad when he had to leave. Today she was getting on a plane for the first time in her life, at seven years old to go visit him way far away out west, in a place called Colorado, for Thanksgiving.

"Mommy my stomach hurts," she complained as she walked through the large farmhouse kitchen. Sun light poured through the windows, bouncing off of the bright yellow walls. Memories of mommy being so happy to paint those walls temporarily surfaced. She didn't want to be sick for her big day. She was looking forward to being away. School gave her a refuge away from the pain, and she was relieved to know that part of her break would be spent away.

"You're just nervous, honey," she replied. "It'll be o.k." She looks nervous too, and a tad upset, but she smiles anyway. The three sisters sit at the table eating their breakfast. They seem fascinated by the adventure the girl is about to embark on. They have many questions, but the girl has no answers. All she knows is she's looking forward to seeing her real daddy, the one with the same last name as her.

When they arrive at the airport she gets hugs all around, and finally a smiling woman introduces herself and pins a pair of wings on the girls shirt. The girl eagerly takes the woman's hand, and walks into the narrow corridor that leads onto the plane, casting one last glance back at her sisters... already missing them and wishing they could go too.

As she enters the plane she's fascinated by the rows of red and blue seats, the clean smell, the women in crisp uniforms, and the loud humming sound of the aircraft. She timidly allows the woman in uniform that gave her the wings to lead her to a seat, and help with her seat belt. Immediately she is intrigued by the tray table, delighted when it folds down.

The girl is a bit nervous as the craft taxies out onto the run-way and the stewardess goes through the safety instructions. Most of them she doesn't really understand very well, but the woman who showed her the seat said she would help take care of her. She is a little frightened, since she knows the plane has to get up in the air, she wonders if it will feel like a roller coaster. She hates roller coasters. They scare her. But she finds the take off is fun. It feels a little funny, but it's exciting and not really scary at all.

As the plane takes flight she watches the world below out of her window, amazed at how tiny everything appears. During the trip they start serving breakfast, and she fears that she will be left out because she has no money to give them. She is pleasantly surprised when the woman serving tells her it's part of the trip. The girl chooses pancakes... naturally.

Finally as the plane lands and she spots her daddy she's happy. She eagerly waits in the car as they make the drive to his home, wondering what it will be like. She excitedly talks about the plane, and eagerly devours the view from the truck window in this new place. The mountains are beautiful, a sight she doesn't ever remember seeing before. They travel for a long while to a little town called Golden, and pull into a long drive way that opens up into a large dirt area in front of two houses. The smaller one on the left is where daddy lives. He brings her inside and introduces her to his girlfriend. She is the most beautiful woman the girl has ever seen, with pretty blue eyes and very long red hair, long enough to reach to her waist. In the girls mind only princess' had such long beautiful hair, and that made this lady a princess. Princess' were always good at heart and that meant this lady was good. The girl rushed to her and immediately gave her a hug. The world was right, here she would be safe.

Her hopes were confirmed when her daddy showed her, her room, with a small shelf containing new toys, just for her. She was so happy she could cry.

Once Upon A Christmas...

2004-12-21T12:08:00.000-08:00

There was a little girl who couldn't sleep. Christmas was the only happy time of the year for her, the only day that things seemed right with the world, that the people in her life actually seemed to love her. After staying awake most of the night and falling into a temporary restless sleep, she woke, fully awake. The house was dark, and everyone one else was sleeping. It was one of the rare periods of time she had a room to herself. She crept out of her bed and through the door way, her tiny little five year old feet hardly making a whisper on the floor boards of the old farm house. She crept across the hall to the door of her parents room, peaking in to see if they slept. Next she crept up the hall, stopping at the next doorway to look in on her youngest sister, and she too soundly slept. Then she turned left, passing the big closet door on her right, and the stairwell on her left to peak in at her final sibling, the oldest of her younger sisters, and when she had confirmed that all were sleeping, she began creeping down the long stairs, remembering to step way over by the side with the rail on the fourth from the bottom in order to keep it from creaking.

As she reached the bottom beautifully colored lights beckoned from her right, and there in all of it's glory was a tall fir tree decked in all of it's colored and noble radiance. Underneath was a sight to behold, a child's paradise too beautiful for words. A large sheet of wrapping paper, when lifted revealed a beautiful house, as such she had seen on the television, bigger than she was, containing the dolls she loved to play with. There was a small train with "Sesame Street" characters, and a thousand and one packages it seemed, with glistening paper and sparkling bows.

She could not stop herself, she played to her contentment with the doll house and the train. She rattled boxes trying to guess what they contained, but knew better than to try to peek from past experiences. Her clumsy little hands were incapable of putting the paper and tape back as they were. There was no one to fight with, no one to yell at her. It was dark and quiet, with only the vibrant blinking lights, and the tall silent Christmas tree nobly watching over her.

The dolls were there to play with no matter how she looked, no matter what she did or didn't do. After a little time, sighing contentedly and happy that "Santa had come" she put everything back the way she found it to the best of her ability, and quietly slid back up the stairs and into her bed.